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2009 Mazda MX-5
The Mazda MX-5 is the benchmark
of mid level Japanese sports cars. It's lightweight, nimble, dependable, and it handles beautifully. In fact, there are countless
amateur race series using the MX-5 Spec Car. Everyone says its moderately fast, corners brilliantly, and can be quite exciting.
It's actually a fantastic car. So....what's it doing on the list?
Well....look at it. It's simply wretched.
The MX-5 is completely at home on a racetrack, and has been since 1989. One would think, at some point in the last 20 years,
Mazda would have awarded this wonderful little machine with a full-blown sports car face lift. As it is, the MX-5 looks like
it would wet itself upon seeing a sharp corner. I would love to show you lots of terrible styling errors, but other than the
timidly flared fenders, it doesn't have any distinguishing features at all. And that is, without a doubt, the biggest mistake
a designer could make.
It's expressionless, uncaptivating, and dreary, giving it all the same characteristics as Keanu
Reeves. And it gets worse. The front end has a gaping mouth, a nose, and two ridiculous eyes that makes this poor car shockingly
unique. In fact...it looks like....shudder....a Pokemon.
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BMW X5
Ohhh the Germans. They've brought us Audi, Mercedes, Volkswagen, and several other successful makes. But there's
another that seems to be the choice of businessmen, rich people, and every cock that rides your bumper on the interstate....obviously,
BMW. Still, there's no denying that the Germans are quite good at what they do. The M series, AMG, Black, Brabus, and Mclaren
are all milestones in unnecessary horsepower and general lunacy....both of which I happen to adore. But with all of those
accomplishments, there's bound to be a disaster. And indeed, there has been.
The BMW X5 is actually a very strange
concept. The thought of a BMW owner taking his vehicle off the pavement is rather intriguing. A myth you may think, something
that no one has ever witnessed, an unproven theory bound to exile you from automotive circles. But in reality, it is possible
for a CEO to take his car, dare I say, offroading. Surprisingly, BMW has created a vehicle just for that.
Or so they
say. Reading through the features list, the X5 looks very promising to the rough road enthusiast. It has features with fancy
names, like Dynamic Stability Control, Dynamic Traction Control, Start-off Assistant, Brake Drying, and Dynamic Brake Control.
But there some useful features as well, such as Engine-speed-sensitive power steering, lightweight multi-link integral rear
suspension, and Hill Decent Control, which happens to be my favorite.
So, cleary, lots of forethought and effort went
into the creation of this machine. But sadly, BMW did something that I'm guessing was unintentional....they ruined it. Their
first mistake was to declare the X5 to be not a Sport Utility Vehicle (which it is), but rather a Sport Activity Vehicle.
Unfortunately, these three words instantly made the car 45% less masculine and 76% less heterosexual.
Oddly enough
though, BMW didn't need to reclassify the X5, because they had a backup plan in case it hadn't been ruined yet. They took
their excellent and fully capable offroad production car and fitted it's wheels with summer tires specifically designed....for
pavement.
Perhaps BMW was simply being too conservative in the radical transition to dirt roads, beaches, and scary
hills. Or maybe it was because they didn't expect the idea to catch on, and the consumers would simply keep to the tarmac
and waste those expensive tready all-terrains. But, what do we know for sure? That tragically, the hope that all BMW buyers
have, to conquer a simple dirt road, has been banished forever.
Subaru WRX STI
There's no denying that the WRX STI is one of the most successful cars in rally history. It's agile,
thrilling, and incredibly beautiful. It has been the choice of many professional rally drivers, such as Collin McRae, Tanner
Foust, and Travis Pastrana. It's also reasonably priced and practical, and you can spot one driving down the road almost anywhere.
The WRX is clearly a world class car....or rather, it was until 2007.
The new generation of the famous rally car was
a complete disappointment. In fact, this may be the first time ever that an extremely successful sedan has been turned into
a hatchback. What was Subaru thinking? I mean....the look it was given is was similar to falling down a small hill....its
just not that fun.
Don't get me wrong, I love this hot hatch phase. The Fiat 500 Abarth, the Focus RS, the GTI, and
the Works Mini are among my favorites. But that's what they're supposed to be, hatchbacks from the very beginning. Changing
the WRX into a hatchback is a bit like doing the same to a 300C.....you could, but you just shouldn't.
But the new
WRX does have something going for it. It is, without a doubt, the best Mitsubishi Evo salesman on the planet.
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